Suggested Books
With compassion and respect, the dedicated staff at Finger Lakes Donor Recovery Network honor every donor hero, support their grieving families with unwavering care, and passionately fulfill the Donate Life mission that turns tragedy into hope and saves countless lives.
Grieving Children
Grieving Children
The death of a loved one can affect children a little differently, depending on their age. It can be difficult to know how a child is handling their feelings because they can act “normal” by playing with their toys, laughing, or seeming unfazed by the events.
When someone dies, it’s normal for adults to want to protect children. That includes everything from hiding emotions to excluding them from funeral services or sheltering them from the details of the death. This actually denies a child the opportunity to work through their grief and other feelings. Each child, family, and circumstance is different, but depending on age or comprehension, children should be encouraged to discuss the death, share their feelings, and participate in family functions and funeral services.
Helping a Child Through Grief
When words fail, a hug is perfect.
As adults, it can be difficult to know exactly what to say to help a child through something difficult. Words aren’t always necessary; a hug is a powerful way to say “I see you. I understand this is hard. I am here.”
It’s okay to cry
Children must know that their tears are okay, and they are a tribute to how much they loved someone. Cry together. Hold each other. But if a child doesn’t want to share their feelings, that’s okay, too.
Reaffirm their safety
Children think they are immortal, and a death experience can shatter that illusion, causing fear that they will lose someone else they love. Be a safe place for them to share their fears and reassure them they are safe, and you are still here.
Help resolve any guilt
Do not dismiss a child’s feelings of guilt over the death. Of course, the child is not to blame, but those feelings can be strong. Children sometimes feel like they were “bad” or “naughty,” causing this bad thing to happen. Allowing them to express such feelings helps them resolve any guilt.
Anger is natural
A child may express anger over the death. They may throw things, ignore household rules, or become disrespectful. It is natural for children to respond this way. Children need to talk over any feelings of anger they may have, to be assured that these feelings will pass, that they are not bad because they feel anger toward other survivors or their loved one who has left them by dying.
Your mood may not mirror your child’s
There will be moments when you are feeling relatively “normal,” and out of the blue, your child may begin to cry.
It becomes necessary at the expense of your own transitory sense of peace to delve into your child’s expression of sorrow. Certainly, this affects you, but it is far worse to suppress a child’s spontaneous expression of grief. Conversely, it may be difficult when you are having an especially hard day to see your child so (seemingly) indifferent to your mood. You may want to talk about the death of your loved one, but your child may be disinterested. The implied message, “Not now, Mom,” can feel like the cold shoulder. Do not reproach the child. Allow him his moment of peace; you will have promoted his recovery.
Avoid unsolicited information
Answer only those questions the child actually asks. Volunteering unsolicited information about the death can be overwhelming. Generally, a child will let you know how much they can deal with at a given time.
Explore feelings
Sometimes a child will become upset over an unrelated subject, but the source of the reaction is grief. He or she may cry over a TV show or become unduly frustrated over a difficult task. Be observant and give your child an opportunity to explore their feelings by acknowledging the real source of stress.
Share memories and laugh
Talk often about the person who died, remembering the happy times, and recalling good memories. Laughter will come and it’s very healing.